Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as I am in the tavern,
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training, make dog's owner buy you a beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Bed unusually hard, and full of trash and cold water.
FAULT: You slept in the gutter again.
ACTION: Treat yourself to a sleep-in until the bars open again.
Here's logic at it's very best............
A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills the slowest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you feel smarter after a few beers.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.--Mark Twain
You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. --Tex Gellette
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. --Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.--Babe Ruth
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.--Ogden Nash
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
I work until beer o'clock. --Steven King
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher
You can never buy beer; you just rent it. --Archie Bunker
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Why don't we get drunk and screw? --Jimmy Buffett
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truely gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. --Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --Anonymous
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. --Anonymous
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. -- Duke of Marlbourough
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
What two ideas are more inseparable than beer and Britannia? What event more awfully important to an English colony than the erection of its first brewhouse? -- Sidney Smith, 1771-1845
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. --Oscar Levant
A quart of Ale is a dish for a King. -- Shakespeare, A Winter's Tale
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
The church is near but the road is icy. The bar is far, but I will walk carefully. --Russian Proverb
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. --Homer Simpson
That made me thirsty! I'll just grab another brew and go back to the main MaggotPage