Commentary on the Fall 1999 season's matches, provided by Chad "Chad" Mickelson.
Ace Maggot Reporter
From the Pit to the World Wide Web, bringing you the lies behind the fiction since 1976

Aug. 7: Nanaimo Hornets: 35, Maggots: 5
The Nanaimo Hornets made Missoula the last stop on their 8-man tour to Elko Goats (former Maggot Fest Most Honored Side) and Las Vegas. (Why is it Canadian sides can prance all over the states but the Maggots can't even get past no-man's land at Canadian customs? Pisses me off!)

After a quick tube float on the Clark Fork from East Missoula to Big Sky Brewery's tasting room (and a few tastes), we played Nanaimo at the Fort Missoula Rugby Park Saturday evening. After filling the Hornets in with 5 Maggots and Jesters, we began the match 13 on 13. By mid-way through first half, those on the truest of Maggot time showed up and we played the rest of the game 15 on 15. Despite being out-rucked, the Hornets moved the ball around the field very well and won 35 to 5 or so.

Other notes from Hornets tour and our host:
Hornets discovered that peelers in Missoula are not quite like peelers in Canadia - DUH!
Tex learned that if you're not on the bus, you're not with us - DUH!
Hornets got a speeding ticket for going something like 670 km per krugel (I don't know what that is in US dollars) in Oregon.
It was a blazing HOT 45 degrees (I don't know what that is in inches) in Las Vegas.
We will never ever EVER host a rugby team to a Blue Nunn guzzling contest again! Not even the scabby knees! Got that Lance?

Aug. 28-29: Black Star North American Challenge Cup

Maggots LITTLE - Tacoma Nomads QUITE A BIT
Maggots LOTS - Central Washington 5
Maggots 5 - EastSide 24
Maggots 12 - Seattle 12 in extra time

It was a fun tournament with some great rugby. I hope to return some year with a full Maggot side!

On the midst of the fun, we learned a few things:
Sandra is not vulnerable;
Bottle rockets DO frighten horses;
Dumpster diving does have its rewards,
Hurricanes rock the bus, and;
Maggots love Spokane Dick's better than Seattle Dick's.

Cheers to Bozeman's Dougy Fresh, Johnny 99, Otis, Law John, CWU and Valley for filling out our side throughout the weekend.
Cheers to Johnny 99 again for a great hosting job.
Cheers to Grey Lerner because he was on the bus.
Cheers to Seattle for not kicking a gimmie penalty goal in sudden death (only gonna' win with a try).
Cheers to the 10 Maggot players, 1 Maggot coach and Ms. Mary for the fun weekend.
And remember my friends - If you're not on the bus, you're not with us!

Sept. 11: Maggots 57, Helena 0

Scoring for the Maggots were Papa Chuck Shepard and Chad Mickelson.

Sept. 18: Maggots 17, Portneuf 13
Third half: Maggots 10, Portneuf 0

The Missoula, Montana Maggots met Portneuf Valley from Pocatello bolstered by five Bald Mountain guys from Ketchum in Salmon, Idaho for a match Saturday (we played Pokey in Salmon). Salmon is mid-way between Pocatello and Missoula. Both teams worked to line the field and set up posts on the lush grass to make a pretty damn nice pitch. The referee, a Salmon resident, printed posters advertising the game and displayed them all over town. About 100 locals came to watch "two of the best clubs in the U.S." (it said so on the poster!) play three halves of rugby.

First Game
The Maggots started the game in good form, rucking with authority and dominating ball posession. We jumped to an early lead with a penalty goal from Butbu and a converted try by Tory. Then we went to sleep. Portneuf maintained ball posession for the latter part of the first half and the beginning of the second half - ulitmately scoring two penalty goals and a converted try to take the lead mid-way through the second half. Aided by strong lineouts, we rallied toward the end of the game. A beautiful play involving the whole back line resulted in Smoothy finding the ball in space to touch down the winning try.

Third Half
We called the sensitive new age Ranger Boy from the pit in Hamilton to let him know we were coming by to pick him up. He declined, but ultimately showed up with the kids to watch the first match then play in the 20-minute third half. It was great to see him running with authority and delivering crushing tackles again - for ten minutes. I don't know where he was the rest of the half. Dega and Chuck Kenienger scored uncoverted trys for a 10-0 win.

Other game notes
Johnny White Shoes got his hard drive rebooted - big time!
Rookie Big Mike played his first rugby match and was initiated into the front row.
Golden Hands has got to be in the bag!

Feed, etc.
The OWL club hosted us to a beer and taco feed after the matches. They have a fenced area behind the bar where we ate and drank. Bullet led us in a rousing and exhusting rendition of the Music Man and Step Chuck III zulud. The Maggots presented a Portneuf guy who has a penchant for sniffing men's underwear a used jock strap. A gift with a "personal touch."

After a keg there we walked down the street to a micro-brewery with a sign in front saying "welcome rugby players...Springboks rule." It turns out the owner is from South Africa and a rugger. Some guys got free pints of micro beer and root beer. Then over the river and through the alley to the Spur for shuffle board and the Oscar de la Renta fight.

Fire in the Bunger!
The night sky over Baghdad has nothin' on the Maggot bus in the midst of a pyrotechnics battle and September 18 was the Mother of all Battles. Even a well-deployed Cadillac deflector shield couldn't prevent pretty much everyone in the pit from getting burnt. Friendly fire took its toll as well. I was holding a lit bottle rocket too tight and rather than shoot the rocket forward, it spit it's munitions out the back and into my eye. If it were not for my training and a finely-tuned flinch reflex, I would have worse than a black eye and a blistered eye lid.

The town of Salmon was extremely hospitable! We had a great time with the locals, the Pokey boys and the Bald Mountain boys and there is talk of a three-team round robin in Salmon some time in the future.

Lookin' forward to Tubby!

Sept. 25: Maggots 47, U of Montana Jesters 7

Tubby Thompson: Maggots 47 - Jesters 7
Unlike last spring's Maggot/Jester match up, the 20-somethingth annual Tubby Thompson game did not include head butts, fisticuffs or formal protests (that we have been notified of, anyway). It was close for most of the first half as the Jesters played hard and frustrated us in several phases of the game. We started scoring late in the first half and then fell into a rythm in the second half to score a bunch of points and retain the Tubby Thompson Trophy. The game featured six front row forwards and several knock ons by Colin Bishop. Hey have the Golden Hands award locked one is even close...give it a rest! What are you, some kind of over achiever? I don't know who scored all the points but Butbu led with 17 and, in all fairness, Bishop had several nice runs and probably scored a try as well. (Editor's note: since when has anyone been concerned with fairness towards Canteen Boy?!)

Missoula Combined B-Side - Bozeman B-Side
!!!HELMET!!! The Maggot and Jester B-Sides combined to play Bozeman B's;
!!!HELMET!!! After at least a month of practicing, rookie Little Mike played his first match and had a great game. Bozeman won by at least a few tries.
Other game notes:

Missoula Combined A-Side 27 - Bozeman A-Side 31
The Maggots and Jesters combined again to play Bozeman's A's.
!!!HELMET!!! The lead switched hands several times but, despite some help from the sidelines (thanks Dega), we fell victim to piss poor tackling on some long runs. Bozeman was ahead when time ran out.
Other interesting notes from the game are:
!!!HELMET!!! Bishop got his hard drive rebooted - nice tackle though.
It being the third game of the day, "corner flag" was a nasty term as far as forwards were concerned. In fact, you can take that corner flag and shove it up your ass!
!!!HELMET!!! Apparently helmets are not water (or beer) proof.

Not much to report from the feed because I had to leave early to go play house.

(Editor's note: Three guys from Bozeman had matching grey helmets. Of course, everytime they touched the ball everyone yelled "Helmet." It wasn't thought that Bozeman would turn pansy so quickly. We will see if Kalispell holds out.)

Eleven days and counting to the Rubgy World Cup tour. Remember, if you're not going, it sucks to be you!

Oct. 2-3: OctoberFest '99 - Bozeman, MT

About 11 Maggots and 6 Jesters bused up Friday at the Ox - we picked up Hitchhiker Number 1 at the I-90 On-Ramp. Number 1 quickly made himself a little too comfortable and had to be told if he ASKED for anything else he was going to tuck and roll. He minded himself pretty well after that and only took what was offered. When Number 1 first got on the bus, Wookie said "come have a seat here number one, just don't touch my wallet," and set a wallet about 1/2 foot from Number 1. It was killing him, but Number 1 kept his hands to himself. Though he was headed to Bozeman, Number 1 decided to get off the bus in Butte for some reason. I guess that, like the Betterside and the 5 scabby knees who drove to Bozeman, he was scared of the bus. We enjoyed some good pit brawls, strong singing and "Truck Driver Favorites" on the ride over.

We arrived at Spectators in Bozo about midnight to find people in the parking lot wearing helmets. HELMET!!! You gotta be shittin' me! The bus then headed downtown where the young boys caroused the pubs and a few of us crashed in the pit. Some guy threw a bike at Butbu's car downtown - that's what you get for not riding the bus Butbu!

Old Maggot now in Wyoming, Scotty Franklin, once again played with us at OctoberFest and once again was solid as a rock. Thanks Scotty. Our noon game started promptly at 1:00 against Helena. The front row combined for three trys to lead the Maggots to a 45-0 win. The highlight (aside from the front row trys) was when Butbu popped up a wiper that Tory caught in the air and ran in for a try.

Billings maintained posession of the ball and consistently created overloads to score a lot of trys. They ultimately beat Bozeman in the final by about three trys.

After Saturday's games we bused up and drove to the Fairground's cattle barn for Brats and beer. A live band, zulus out of the cattle shoot, firecrackers and beer throwing went on until midnight when the bus headed downtown. Once again, the wise among us crashed in the pit while the young boys caroused. A few guys found beds - one rookie even found a bed where he could look out the window and see the Maggot Bus. He had a place to stay AND kept the bus in the corner of his eye! That's a good rookie.

Sunday morning we rushed to the pitch to watch the 11:00 match which did not take place. Our noon match against Spokane started promptly at 12:30 and, led by several front row trys, the Maggots won. Rookie Big Mike had some great rambles! That Big Boy can get up a head of steam!

COURT SUMMARY: Two counts of cigarettes on the bus, one count of glass on the bus and one count of peeing on the bus - all found guilty. Via beers, burpies, urinal cleaning duty and a haircut, the criminals paid their debts to the Maggot Bus.

AMAZING STAT OF THE WEEKEND: In one of the games, Colin Bishop only dropped one ball.

SCABBY KNEE OF THE WEEKEND: Shared by Butbu, Tory and Lance for driving over instead of taking the bus because they "got a wild hair" and "the bus can be kind of icky sometimes." Plus, "you never let us play our Back Street Boys tape!"

Stay tuned to between October 8th and 24th for Rugby World Cup tour updates. Remember, if you're not on the plane, you're insane - and it sucks to be you.

Dang, that was fun! Now take me back to the MaggotPage to read more of our/their exploits!