RWC
2007 Tour Journal
By Kelli Morrison
MILF Betterside Reporter and Organizer.
Wow!! What a trip.
I want to thank Ashby for all of his help organizing the matches. Great Job!
I also want to thank Mo Laird, Grey, Nigel and Ashby for being our
interpreters. We would have been lost without you (Oh wait... we were lost most
of the time).
Thanks Leslie, Annie, Kelsey, Sarah, and everyone else that helped put on the
group feed at the chateau. That was fabulous!!! One of my favorite parts of
tour.
Thank you to all the drivers and navigators. I really enjoyed being lost. I saw
much more of France than I had ever planned.
Thanks Stumpfs, Jamie and Maureen for the wonderful dinner. Thanks Mo, Sheri,
Briskes, Stumpfs, Maureen, Jen, Tory and Lindsey for the gifts and massages.
Thanks Grey for being tour journalist/historian/quote meister. I need to get
all the quotes and tour history from you.
Now for the recap (I am going to try to remember all of it but
much of it is a blur):
The leader jersey was a stunning ruby red sequin shirt,
donated by Venus (thanks Venus). The honor was first bestowed on Gunky
C!@# (Brice) due to his lack of participation in the first match
against Paris because he thought sightseeing was more important.
Next was Laird, for his crowd surfing, without the crowd on
the train, which caused the train to make an emergency stop, wiping out a few
pedestrians.
Laird had the jersey for the longest streak until Smoothy
moved in for the lead the day he arrived. He showed up in true maggot form; no
sleep and half drunk. He continued the streak right up until game time and
helped win the party against the local team in Agde.
The next one I remember is Nigel powering through his
dislocated shoulder maggot-style, by drinking the pain away, passing out on the
tile floor and realizing the next morning, that tile floors and dislocated
shoulder don't really work well together.
Next was TC for his outstanding performance f***ing with
everyone at the chateau and down-in-one’ing a bottle of olive oil. Brilliant
performance!
Then a couple days later, Twohey moved into the lead when he
passed out standing up and took out the TV.
And then as if one time wasn't enough, Laird took the lead
again when he, in a drunken stupor, felt the need the lecture everyone on the
need to be responsible about the car keys and how it was going to cost
$300...no wait $1000.....no wait $3000 dollars to get the lost key situation
resolved.
The next two holders, Meatroll and Tory, held the lead for a
day or less. Meaty won it for a brilliant performance drinking
the Green Fairy shit and passing out. I don't know why Tory
won it but he claims he was just holding it for Mandela who would take it over
in less than 5 hours.
Mandela earned it when he decided to find his happy place in
the bathroom for 3 hours. He still says he just needed a place to be by himself
and think. As if the chateau, with all 22 rooms could not offer a quiet place
for some “alone” time. I hope you
solved all the world's problems, Mandela. Mandela ended tour with the jersey
and felt that what goes on in France, needed to stay in France so he left his
dilapidated cowboy hat (which Tory taped together so that it would last through
tour) and the leader jersey at the door of the airport.
We appointed Tory as Judge and Shannon as
Vice-Judge. Had court on the final day in Paris because we
needed to get some people in line with the Maggot way of life. Meant to have
court before Tory left on the 22nd but didn't get around to it.
The Dumb Ass award went to Venus for losing his
passport 3 hours after arriving in country and for missing the opportunity to
collect his money from the ATM machine.
He was too busy gabbing with his girlfriend, Brice, and forgot to take
his money from the ATM. For those of
you not familiar with ATM's, once it spits your money out, if you don’t take it
within about 30 sec. it will suck you money back in and still charges you for
it. Thank God you can call on your Mommy to fix everything for you, Venus.
Who's going to baby-sit you the rest of you stay in Europe?
The Ambassador of Love award goes to Sarah for
spreading the love amongst the French, the Irish and our boys. Who could resist
you in that hot little dress? I would’ve hit that if I went that way!
Our tour theme song came to be Rehab by
Amy Whitehouse (no explanation needed).
Tour saying, "That's good stuff".
Now for the city by city recap and a story about a bus named 666-Fun
Bus:
Paris Sept. 6-8
Big, busy and expensive. Everyone is thin and beautiful. Beer was expensive
wine was cheap. It was amazing that we all made it to the hotel and found each
other. No one got any sleep due to the noise of the city. We were all treated
to a little dress up show from the girl eye level across the street from our
hotel. She put on a show of dressing and undressing for 30 min. in her
apartment. That was a good start to tour. A few Maggots hit an all-time moral
low when they purchased hash on the steps of a church. We soon realized that we
could not afford to drink the 8E (Euros) beers in the bars and
quickly found our way to a store and bought bottle after bottle of 1E and 2E
bottles of wine. The most prized possession of tour was a corkscrew. We all did
our own thing during the days and met up at night. The boys lost the
match against SCUF but they won the party. Good job Black! Ashby broke his face
in the first 20 min. and extended his stay in Paris by a couple days.
We found out that in France, it is very common in their society for men to
have many lovers. Maybe the Maggots should think about relocating to France.
St. Etienne Sept. 9
Nice city, had fun but did not have enough time to enjoy it. Attended Scotland
vs. Portugal match and had a great time. Briske's partied with the Scotland
team after the match downtown and Maggie was in Heaven. Thanks Tex for the
nasty shots of whatever that shit was, and thanks Mandela for waiting until
after I took my shot to add your pubes to the bottle. Brice, not so much -
thanks for the Gay gunslinger. I'm sure the Scottish boys will remember that
forever. Avis sucks! They f****d up on our vans and rather than having 4-9 passenger
vans we had 2-9 passenger, 2-7 passenger, 1-5 passenger and a cargo van. We practically wiped out France's rental
fleet. This is when we were introduced to, what appeared to be a normal, run of
the mill, Gray 9-passenger van. Little did we know that this average looking
van would barely survive the journey? We didn't even make it out of the parking
lot before we put the first of many dents in it. This was the bus that most
resembled the Maggot bus. Bus porn was introduced and the age-old rule of no
glass on the bus was broken in the first 10 min.
Carcassonne Sept. 10-11
Got lost trying to find the hotel. Beautiful city. It was an amazing,
fortressed city. The was a fun Irish bar that really loved the Maggots. French
boys love blondes especially Cierra and Tori (le precious). A couple nights of
skinny dipping and sleeping by the pool made the hotel staff glad to see us go.
Dent # 2 and 3 and the bus earned its name of the Fun Bus. We also began to
realize the "power-of-the-circle" when it came to round a bouts.
Agde Sept. 12-13
We made a mad dash to the RWC match that evening (USA vs. Tonga). It was a mad
dash because of course we got lost. Brownie interviewed the Maggots and some of
us made the front page of the sports section for the Montpellier newspaper. Had
a blast singing songs. Thanks for the exposure, Brownie. Agde was a nice beach
community. We felt like we were re-enacting the game show Hollywood Squares. We
had all but 2 rooms in the 5 story, harbor facing side of this hotel and all
rooms had balconies. At night when everyone was out on their balcony, with
their lights on, it looked like Hollywood Square with all the celebrities
sitting in their boxes. I was told there were a few boobs here and there on the
beaches but I don't think anyone made it to the actual nude beaches. If they
did, they're just not telling. Due to getting lost every place that we had
been, we left 3 hours early for our match that was only 10 min. away. That gave
the boys plenty of time to warm up. During warm ups, the boys had the fear of
god put in them when another team arrived at the pitch. We were all certain
that this was there competition for that night's match. These boys were all
built like 2nd rows that were 6ft. + , weighing 225lbs. and fitter than f***.
It wasn't until about half an hour into their warm up that Sarah went over and
found out they were the Romanian National 2nd side. The boys all breathed a
sigh of relief. The match went well but I think we lost by 1 try. Nick used
this entire match to practice finding touch (needless to say, out of approx.
10,000 kicks he kicked, not one of them found touch). The drink up also went
well and we won the social by doing a couple rounds of beer boat races and then
switching to Patis (not sure if that is the correct spelling, not really even
sure what that shit is) boat races. Left Agde a day early and headed for the
Chateau so that we would not have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to get to
the Nimes tourney the next day. Once again, we got lost. Dent/scratch #4 in the
Fun Bus and we lost the door for the first time. Second gear was giving us some
trouble. It now earned the name of the 666-Fun Bus because it seemed to be attracted
to gravel piles, speed bumps and anything else that was dangerous. By this time
the bus grunge was reaching a depth of about 2 inches and some one even
mentioned the "C" word (clean) but that was quickly
dismissed. The boys were just beginning to feel at home. Once in awhile a bus
beer or bus wine would show it's face and bring a smile to some lucky
individual. We would soon realize that bus grunge was musical. It was not for
the faint at heart, however. Many prospective riders were scared away by the
grunge. #1 even turned down a ride out of fear.
Chateau Sept. 14-20
Arrived at the chateau and laid low the first night, swimming and watching
one of the RWC matches on TV. Went to Nimes the next morning for the Nimes Old
Boys Tourney. Received a warm welcome from the hosting team as they entered the
stadium carrying the American flag. Played 5 or 6 matches against teams from
around the area. Each match lasted 20 min. and there were rules such as: no
running further than 20m. without passing, no hard hits, and a few others I
can't remember. These were all to ensure that we would not run all over the other
teams, who were made up, primarily, of old boys (40+).
Black handily one the
1st, lost the 2nd and won all the rest (no help from Nick who still couldn't
find touch). The last game the boys played was a select side France vs. the
Maggots. Before the match, both teams lined up and sang their national anthems
while the American flag flew in front of us. It was an emotional moment for
all. In all of the matches throughout France, the scrums were uncontested
due to insurance reasons and not having a certified Referee. That sucked for us
because we had the biggest pack of all the teams we played. The Nimes team
hosted us well and we had a nice sit down feed. After the feed most of us went
to the bullfights in 1 of the 7 original remaining Roman arenas. This one was
the best preserved of all 7. It was awesome! The bullfights were exciting but
very gory and some people couldn't handle the gore and left early. We enjoyed
the Feria festival that night in Nimes. The Feria is an annual festival to
celebrate the harvesting of the grape, where they have a variety of events
including the bullfights. It draws over 1 million people over a 3 or 4-day
period. The streets were jam packed with people and you had to have reservation
to get into the bars.
The next night we went
back into Montpellier for the Samoa v. Tonga match. Fun like always. The
next night we had a group feed at the chateau. It was so cool to have us all
together for the feed. We all stayed at the chateau that night playing poker
and partying until the wee hours. Briske and Bubba rocked out with their c***s
out (practically-all they had on was tuxedo thongs. Not a pretty sight).
For the next few days’ people came and went, doing their own things. Most
of us saw the Pont du Gard, Les Baux en Provence, Avignon and the Papal Palace,
went on bike rides and just relaxed around the pool.
On day 4 Bubba lost the
keys to one of the vans so Avis sent a not-so jolly fellow in a tow truck out
and towed the van away (I guess in France they don't believe in spare keys).
Thank god for insurance on the vans. The keys never did show up. On the 19th,
we decided to call the contact for our next scheduled match in Aix en Provence.
He so kindly informed us that they were canceling the match against us due to
France playing on TV that night. We scrambled and set up a match for the next
night in a village 10 minutes away called Uzes.
On the 20th we played the
Uzes team. It was a tough fought match but the boys pulled it off with a 33 to
24 finish (something like that). Some of the boys said that was the roughest
match they had played. A guest ref from England refereed the match and he
really sucked. He allowed the other team to get away with having 16 men on the
field on more than one occasion. The feed was fun and we sang a lot of songs.
Laura acted out "Alouette" and ended with a showing of her huge
boobs. Big crowd pleaser.
Later that night some of
the French boys returned to the chateau and partied with us. F*** you French
boy #11. Most of us spent the next morning cleaning up and surprisingly, we got
the entire deposit back. Sometime during this weeks stay, there was
dent/scratch #5 and #6 on the 666-Fun Bus. Second gear really tough to
find. The bus grunge was now 4 inches deep and it was music to our ears at the
turn of every corner, with the bottles swaying to and fro. It was like wind
chimes on a windy day. Five days into the chateau, it became apparent that the
bus grunge was no longer safe so Mandela broke down and cleaned the bus (don't
worry, he left a little bus porn and a bus beer or two behind so the boys still
felt at home). The door seemed to be falling off on a regular basis by now. The
thought of "General Lee’ing" it crept into our minds and it was even
attempted in Uzes by TC, but he forgot to calculate the width of his shoulders
(Ouch!). The Cargo van was beginning to show signs of 666 possession as it
began to join in the power-of-the-circles. It even one-upped the 666-Fun Bus by
doing 8 power-of-the-circles while it was in a holding pattern.
Aix en Provence Sept. 21-23
And yet again...we got lost. By now, most everyone was sick of each other
and ready to go home. We laid low and watched a couple matches on TV at a local
bar. Went to the Argentina v. Namibia the last night. We found the local
parking lot by the hotel to be our party central because we were pissing all
the hotel guests off. Dent/scratch #7, #8, #9. Second gear no longer existed.
You couldn't open the door without it falling off, completely. We had no choice
but to "General Lee" it from here on out and enter from the windows
Dukes of Hazard style. Mandela discovered the best use for seat belts...buckle
your wine bottles in so that they don't roll around and break. The 666-Fun Bus
was not about to be out done by the Cargo van, so it did 10 power-of-the-circles
nearly causing a puke. Later that night, the bus was feeling tough and took on
a couple metal markers. The bus grunge was back up to 2 inches thick.
The Last Morning Sept. 23
We left the hotel at between 3:30am and 4:15am. There were only 4 individuals
brave enough to ride in the 666-Fun Bus. Twohey realized that it was not safe
for his wife and child and quickly found another van to ride in. We made our
way to the airport and dropped the tourons off. Ashby, Smoothy and myself were
left to return the vans. As if to say good-bye to us as we rolled into the Avis
parking lot, the 666-Fun Bus' check engine light flickered on and off. Thank
God for Insurance!!! The flights home sucked!!!
Over all Maggot RWC 2007 was an enormous success. Started out a little chaotic
but fun was had by all.
Still working on Avis to cut us a break on the van rentals due to their
f&*% up.
Thanks for the memories!!!
NEXT INTERNATIONAL TOUR - WORLD CUP 2011 in New Zealand. DON'T MISS IT.
