Spring
2010 Matches
As reported by Maggot ACE Reporter - Texy
March
13, Blue Mtn. RFC in
An iron XV All~Maggots squad bussed up as usual at the oxford cafe
saturday morning and rolled
into
in a funny hat and driving a popemobile with flashy
lights, bells and
whistles came driving up behind us. Dave the bus driver thought it was
santa clause so he stopped to put in an early order
for some butt plugs
and a puppy. The pharisie informed us that he
was not sure what the
talmud said in
driving a yellow school bus and reading pornography while playing poker
during the month of passover. We informed the
rabbi of the power of the bus and that the laws
in
bus and he was welcome in the pit to read them. There is the bus, and
then there is the rest of the world. We also reminded him to read
proverb 1:1 and 1:2. Once we promised not to pick up any catholic school
girls on a field trip, and convinced him that rich had nothing of
importance in his butt crack, and we actually did have insurance, he
blessed us and sent us on our way.
The game was played in the middle of a creek drainage
where one end goal
was 12 feet in elevation higher than the other and the same for the
sidelines. Hometown boy GooPop thought he was
tripping but then realized
it was the lines on the field that were not even and quite the optical
illusion, then realized he was indeed tripping. It was impossible to
stand perpindicular to the earth as made evident when
the referee called
a goal attempt by Sal not good though it appeared to be a two fingered
australian rules gun salute.
The All~Maggots were under new captain Venus'
leadership and we are all
anxious to see if his hair needs to be twenty inches long before it
lays down on his head.
missed tackles by coach and scored a few lucky tries. The maggots
had all possession but no fitness to go along with it. Black lineouts
resembled last year's efforts at state according to some reports. The
scrums were good n tight and the backs ran strong into the holes but
once the gain line was broken we tried to keep possession like the
French defended
first half but failed to do so in the back forty making the final score
13~7 to the bad guys.
Bosh of the day saw Eatsuck go head to head three
times in a minute
against his opposite number and put him out of the game.
Debutante Cookie of Port McPumper put on a pretty
good rugby league
dahooie on a guy that leveled him to the uneven
playing surface.
Smoothy dumped Goopop's
brother that saw him get 10 minutes in the
penalty box. He told us he would be there all week.
After the game it was off to the woods with a bunch of sweaty, muddy
dudes to drink beer and sing dirty songs before a few refreshments at
the bar. You gotta wonder about the four girls
who attend such events.
We stopped at the
hardware store to get some graffitti machines but
goopop huffed it all before
we could finish painting the bus pink.
Referee from Canadia was the drunkest guy there.
Maggots go 2~0 in boat races so all is not lost.
Nancy Reagan made an
appearance and quickly exited again.
It's all sure to be on someone's cellphone video in
cyberspace.
Connor McPumper of the clan McPumper
from the
shores of glenfidich made his second generation
debut.
And an uneventful bus
journey home with no bathroom stops for the bus driver's husband and oil levels
were fine.
'
Maggots need fresh meat.
1 Ned Schneebly
2 The Sodomizer
3 John Deathrock
4 Eatsuck
5 Cabin Boy
6
7 Cookie
8 Vince Vaugn
9 Sal
10 Venus
11 Connor McPumper
12 Botox
13 Smoothy
14 The other guy
15 Goopop
16 Mathew Brown
17
Kalispell Dave
18 Silvercox
Ace Reporter
March
20th, Vs.
Bus up to
The game gets underway and the old salty dogs at Bulls RFC
decide to bench their young blood so as they can show them how it is done and
take one more maggot scalp. Bazooko and the brothers
Harper; Shananigan and Coppertone strapped on the old
sprigs to prove too much for a very organized black defense. Cabin Boy started
the boshing at the first tackle, dusted off his hands
and said my work is done here. Venus made some good hits early as did quite a
few of the forwards.
Billings draw first blood and the bulls wives start cheering
like they thought the republicans won the health care vote in the house of representatives. Venus strikes back with a five
pointer but two more bulls tries puts them away for
sure. After only 60 minutes the ref blows the whistle and the bulls start
yelling and screaming with their arms in the air as i
thought only little leaguers do after winning a t ball game.
Third period goes to the maggots one try to none.
There seems to be a direct correlation to how many tankards of
fermented wheaties smoothy
eats in the morning while singing the hymn to Ninkasi
and the number of knock knocks he has in a game. Early front runner for the Golden Hands
award for sure but it is a long season and we will see if Venus can catch him
yet.
Venus is also a front runner for the golden foot by default of
being maggot first five eighths but Sals cocky
attempt for a conversion from two yards out was blocked.
Ever seen an orangutan f*ck a football? If not check out
Later that night we saw what looked like a football f*ck an
orangutan.
Despite a stong push from the pack Goo
Pop pulled away from the group and has a good grasp on the yellow leader
jersey.
Bosh of the day goes to Tumpalumpa.
Off to the local brew pub for a keg of Le Bud Light Extra Pale
Ale before the long strange trip home. Black wins the boat race.
"Chad" puked on the bottom step by the funnel and as
one so steeped in maggot tradition, he tried for hours to deny it, but was
found guilty by a jury of his peers with evidence of puke on his best britches.
So the salon was open for business with a pair if manicure scissors which did
not seem to make much of a dent in his thinning hair. Tumpalumpa is
due for a haircut for puking and coach dyed his hair crimson.
The local rabbi was waiting for coach at his truck when we
pulled up to it forcing us to stop once more yet for beverages.
What do 1989, 1990, 1992, 1995, 1996, and 1998 have in common
with Eat Suck? No state cup.
Maggots Need Fresh Meat
1 Ned Schneebly
2 Friggin Rich
3 James's brother's brother
4 Eat Me
5 Cabin Boy, Canteen Boy's brother
6 Andrew Smith
7 Cookie
8 Rye Bread
9 Fyfanden
10 Venus
11 Goo Pop
12 Bojangles
13 Smoothy
14 Colt
15 Sal
16 Kallispel Dave
17 Mathew Brown
18 The other scooter
21 John Deathrock
22 Maggot Ace Reporter
23 Otto
March 27th – Maggots Wax WSU Kitties
Came up behind the bus Saturday and it looked like the rear left
wheel was about to come off, though it is nothing more than an optical illusion
as a result of the bus' make over and a little bit of white paint. The bus is
an eye catching Safety pink. Big set
of sharks teeth up front. But green on the inside.
If you want a glimpse into socialist
Frickin
Canteen boy showed up and got real serious during the warm ups
until he tripped over his own feet, dropped the ball and fell flat on his face.
You could tell this really bothered him, doing it in front of
all the young kids who think they know it all. Call it what you want, I call it messin with the kid.
Game kicks off and the last time this referee read a law book,
it was written in olde english,
mo burgers were a nickle and william
webb ellis had just
recently picked up the ball.
It really did not matter too much as these kids had never played
against grown men like smoothy before. It became evident that we needed to get
a win the old fashioned maggoty way, by the forwards barging their way through
and our backs doind some flash magic.
Canteen Boy was thrown the ball when he did not really want
it. But he says what the heck and
takes it into contact, waits for support, goes to the ground and places the
ball as one should. But comedy is
all about timing and here comes his occidental brother Brown stumbling into the
ruck and kicks the ball directly into Cbs arm where it bounces back onto our side of the ruck. Apparently legal at the turn of the 19th century, so play on.
Coach has us working on not committing too many to the ruck and not contesting the ball on defense unless you are
the first one there, so first chance he gets he dives into a ruck, flops over the top and swipes the ball off the ground
with his free arm; all in one motion. Play on.
Sal, Venus and Smoothy score about
three each with some conversions and the bad guys get a fiver. But the way the ref was keeping score i think tries were worth three.
So we whooped em up pretty good.
Bosh of the day: Bocephus
Reboot random access memory: Tumpalumpa
Man of match: Larslar
Golden hands watch: Venus and smoothy
pushing each other neck for neck, but keep your eye out for a young man quietly
making a name for himself losing ball in tackle
situations. Ned Schneebly.
Venus hair update: Not yet.
1 Ned Schneebly
2 Frickin Rich
3 Connor McPumper of the clan McPumper
4 Eat Suck
5 Tumpalumpa
6
7 Cookie
8 Venus (C)
9 Ronald McJonald
10 Sal
11 Larslar
12 Bocephus
13 Smoothy
14 The other scooter
15 Goo Pop
16 Silvercox
17 Johnny - O
18 Bus Drivers Husband
19 Canteen Boy aka The Kid
At this point i am assuming the bus
got home safely and CB did not wake up looking like a
The captain was here.
All-Maggot Ace Reporter
April 4,
JESTER Match
Jesters at
As Luke Skywalker would
rather hurl himself into the tibanna gas mines of
cloud city than come to the dark side and rule the universe together with his
father.
So is’t
betwixt the univ.
Maybe it is a fear of
getting bottle rocket holes in their brand new johnny
jumpup during a long cold bus ride.
Jerry Ball wouldn’t
take that.
Maybe they simply lack the
necessary medichlorian levels to be a Jedi of rugby.
Nonetheless they have quite
a legitimate college program going on there with a roster of graduates and
dropouts equally represented.
As usual the Jokers wore
themselves out singing their version of friggin in
the riggin before kick off.
The sun was shining and for
the first time this spring maggots could come out of the friendly confines of
their carhartt’s . The front forty was well contested in all phases of play,
even displaying some great phases of Irish kick and clap football.
There could be some great
tackles and hits in the ruck but the crowd only goes
wild when Ronan O'Gara kicks the ball out of bounds.
Zero Zero
is the standing at half time whistle. The game, like that guy, could have
swung in either direction. But some close calls were missed on both sides. Goal
line tackles and 80 meter drives going back and forth.
It was evident early in the
back forty who was going to outlast who at this slugfest. Black
started rotating in the troops and made boys of the eastsiders.
Not without incident though.
Bojangles did a Leon Lett with some goal line taunting and Tumpalumpa's
and Fatu's cousin, whose name rhymes with that of an
Icelandic volcano, denied him access to the promised land of five pointers. A
little chip kick behind the defense combined with one heck of a lucky
knuckleball bounce had put Bo J. away and the assistant referees were on their
way to the big H at the south end of the ground. But it was not meant to
be.
A few maggotish
tries were scored and we hit some conversions.
Bill "Scooter"
Merrill (14) scored a try late in the game.
Someone finally had the
balls to stand up to coach and tell him to shut the frigging up! . It cost us three points.
Skip was seen on the
sideline smashing together the heads of his two favorite voodoo dolls.
Darth Otto, emperor of maggotdom, controlled the western sideline astutely.
It was nice to see Bunhead out there on crutches.
Final score was 30ish to 3 All+Maggots victorious.
Seconds game was quite a
close encounter where on one occasion someone thought they would use Mathew
Brown‘s stomach as a lazy boy.
Kalispell school boys showed
up to play vs. the mud dawgs. It was close to a tie. A very entertaining match to watch, in a very primitive way.
Not as primitive as the fights on television later that night though. Stitch
pool is 11 out and 6 in to rusty with 9 out plus 2 in for
Cabin Boy is my favorite
black jester ever.
And I know some good ones.
Bryce took his college
degree to
Thanks for the free and
cheap beer sponsorship from Bjørn at Big Sky.
Eat Suck is as old as the
Beatles White Album and out there still giving it to his Alma Matter.
What the jesters learn once
they jump ship to the big leagues is that there really is no rivalry or bad
blood between the two clubs. Sure you would hate to lose to them three times in
club history, but talk about teams that you hate with a vengeance like
Now there is a rivalry.
Chili burgers and hamdogs for everyone and we were living in a Miller High
Life commercial.
The university boys are
homeless and without public house sponsor which meant drinks were at the
Bodega. While the Jesters were at home taking showers with each other and
talking about the latest episode of Spartacus, P-Rye and Venus were downstairs
at the American Veterans shaking their money makers. Think about it.
I read on the facebook that Lance Squarepants
was waiting for us all at the Lumberjack halfway up the mountain. I guess
the bus forgot to tell him on fb that it was busy and
down in
P Rye shoved his ass with
broken glass and circumcised the skipper.
Ace
reporter from the front lines. TX
