A Wee Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as I am in the tavern,
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training, make dog's owner buy you a beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Bed unusually hard, and full of trash and cold water.
FAULT: You slept in the gutter again.
ACTION: Treat yourself to a sleep-in until the bars open again.

Beer Logic Rulez

Here's logic at it's very best............

A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills the slowest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you feel smarter after a few beers.

Alcohol Philosophy

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.--Mark Twain

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. --Tex Gellette

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. --Anonymous

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.--Babe Ruth

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.--Ogden Nash

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway

I work until beer o'clock. --Steven King

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher

You can never buy beer; you just rent it. --Archie Bunker

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

Why don't we get drunk and screw? --Jimmy Buffett

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truely gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. --Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. --Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. -- Duke of Marlbourough

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

What two ideas are more inseparable than beer and Britannia? What event more awfully important to an English colony than the erection of its first brewhouse? -- Sidney Smith, 1771-1845

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. --Oscar Levant

A quart of Ale is a dish for a King. -- Shakespeare, A Winter's Tale

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

The church is near but the road is icy. The bar is far, but I will walk carefully. --Russian Proverb

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. --Homer Simpson

That made me thirsty! I'll just grab another brew and go back to the main MaggotPage