We opened the Spring '00 season against a much improved North Idaho rugby club. North Idaho's defense was very strong and held us to a fairly low point total considering we had about 90% of the posession. Butba kicked some points, Bishop scored a try, I scored a try and I'm sure some other people scored too but I can't remember who. Smoothy got at least sixteen stitches between two cuts to his head. I say "at least" sixteen because he failed to ask how many internals he had, which I, as a person who chose 21 in the stitch pool, am not very happy about.

The Maggots combined with the Osprey to play Spokane in a third match which Spokane won.

It was a good weekend with a good feed and party, interesting bus ride home and some great play from our four brand new rookies who made the trip. Watch Fox Sports World this Sunday for match highlights.

It was a sad day in Maggot Rugby. We practiced in the morning before the game - complete with stretch, laps, splitting up backs and forwards and a team run. Next thing you know we'll have 2 1/2 hour warm ups while wearing matching Johnny Jump Ups!

Despite that, we played a couple pretty good games at the University Pitch, winning the A-side match 45-0 and the B-side match 32-12. I am pleased to report the A-side match featured five (5) forward pack trys including four (4) from the front row. Three by Lock Kanga, 1 by Mick Roo and 1 by myself. Also contributing to the try count were some backs. Butba kicked pretty well despite several trys in the corners. Basicly we played a pick and drive game which kept the ball moving forward and the Jesters moving backward.

We put out 14 new players (plus Smoothy at half back) for the second match. That's the first time in a while we have had nearly two full sides. And the second side was a perfect blend of well-seasoned players and rookies. Two of those rookies - Barney the Purple Dinasour and Big Mike Champ - scored their zulu trys.

Are you sitting down? Pump started AND FINISHED the match! I don't even think he took a minute!

Then downtown for the usual burgers, beers and fight between coaches.

Watch for match highlights and interviews with both coaches Sunday on Fox Sports World. Interview topic: "The dirt ball - foul play or good clean fun?"

Twenty six bused up for Boise including a Kaussie, a kangaroo, a joey and a dick head. We picked up number 27, Smoothy, at the Clock Tower gas station on 93. I don't know where this "we'll pick you up so you don't have to park at the Oxe" bullshit started (remember Mama driving to Papa's house?!?) but I think it has ended. The bus made a slow drive through the parking lot, honked a couple times and continued on down the road. What with kissing his girlyfriend and grabbing his kit, Smoothy didn't have time to grab his sleeping bag and other essentials.

Standard bus fare until we arrived at the Sunrise Hot Springs where we spent the first night of the '96 Iron 15 Cornholio tour - the place with the concrete hut. If you were on that tour and remember that stop, you'll remember it was cold. If you're not stupid, you'll rembember from the first paragraph that Smoothy left his sleeping bag in Missoula...

We arrived in Boise in time to see the Snakes/ORSU match which ORSU won by two. Despite some good rugby, what really stood out was whining, biting, bitching, fighting and crying by both sides. The only thing missing was Ricki Lake.

Our B-Side then played the 43rd State Lions. The Maggot side, including three first-year rookies, played very well and won 17-10 behing trys by Fatty Matty, Mex and Smoothy. Baatchi came out to shout obscenities at us. Cunnilingus my little brown friend!

After the matches, the four sides went to the Dutch Goose for a dandy feed, beers, horseshoes and song. No flaming A this time (Iron 15 Cornholio '96) but we did have a million man march through the Goose, past the kayakers, around the pool tables, out the door and on to the bus to the tune of Nancy Reagan, then down the road to Terry's Tavern which the Lions frequent. The place was hoppin'. They had a snappy 3-man band, fun folks and, most interestingly, a TV display from a camera overlooking the parking lot. THe artistic Maggots in the bunch made a pallete of the parking lot and pens of their peckers to write "Maggots" in the gravel. Many other things occured on camera as well. AFter much dancing, fish flopping and surfing, our 11:00 curfew (friggin' Kaussie!) approached. Some older Maggots were discussing the need for a flaming A in the bar before we could leave when someone suddenly pointed to the screen where a one-man (boy really) flaming A was broadcast. The torch was cookin'!

It took us twenty minutes after kick off to get started in the Snakes game. Two days of piss, a long bus ride and the Maggot Slow Start Plague had us on defense and down 12 nil less than mid-way through the half. We finally picked it up and turned it into a hard contest. Rubba Butba kicked a penalty and scored a try resulting from a tight head take in the scrum and we went to half time down 19-8.

It was a good battle in the second half with both teams having a fair bit of posession. Loch and Tory scored trys, Bishop knocked on a ball, the loosehead prop tried to kick one, and we scored two more trys (Tory and Loch) while giving up one to lose 24-18.

A few more beers at the Goose and bus up for a long ride home.

KANGAROO COURT SUMMARY

Tex and of course Mr. Bishop fukenguilty of smoking tobacco on the bus. I am starting to think we should make Bishop chug a beer for smoking on the bus and write on his face before we even leave town to get them out of the way. Because come Sunday, both are gonna' happen anyway.

Two boys guilty of failing to close escrow. One defendant sealed his fate when he said "I have a vague recollection of her saying 'you can sleep in my bed if you want.'" You gotta' be shittin' me!

Rubba Butba fukenguilty of malicious prosecution.

Kanga Mick (defense attorney) fukenguilty of frivoulously wasting the court's precious time with his defense case.

One guy almost got spanked for littering but instead we tossed him a beer to enjoy as an atta boy. However, there was spillage.

BULLETIN: TWO THIRDS MAJORITY VOTE MAKES IT ILLEGAL TO SMOKE ANY TOBACCO PRODUCTS ON THE BUS - INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY CIGARS! IT'S ABOUT FRICKIN' TIME!

The B game was the highlight as it feature six players that Bydie played with: Uncle Russ, Emer, Papa, Bob Page, Mama and Kurt McComb. Plus, our 52-year-old rookie Jim Olomon played what I believe was his first match. Best of all, the old fellas (Russ and Pagey) scored the trys!

SATURDAY

• Maggots: 27 Western Washington: 5
  
• Maggots: 22 Bend O'erAgain: 10
  
• Maggots: 22 43rd State Lions: 7
  

• Maggots: 20 Bozeman: 17
  

Missoula rugby swept the 20-team tournament with the Maggots winning the men's division, the Betterside winning the women's division with a win over Bozeman in Sunday's championship and the Jesters beating the University of Washington in the collegiate championship. Missoula went 11-1 on the weekend (F---ing Jokers!).

The Maggots got ahead of Bozo early, scoring an uncoverted try three phases into the first posession of the match. Two more trys put us ahead 15-5 at half. Then we nearly blew a 20-5 lead under strong pressure from Bozeman, giving up two more trys and a conversion to win 20-17.

Bonus: pictures of all the Missoula teams, grabbed from the Spokane RFC web site.

Tour Quote: "They might be his favorites, but they still gotta' go!" Emer.

We dodged a couple bullets early. The Moose took posession right out of the gate and played most of the opening minutes in our half. We played tough D, got lucky a couple times and held one up in the in goal and managed keep the fat cu...ts scoreless early. The rest of the game was pretty hard fought but we found the gaps and scored fairly regularly. Butba kicked very well which added to the point total; hopefully the fat cu...t is on a roll. Rookie Allen scored his zulu try when Loch (the hooker) made about a 20 meter pass to the wing after a break away. Both fat Aussie cu...ts had brilliant runs as did Canteen Boy Bishop. Former Maggot Rhino had an outstanding game for the Moose at 8-man (aside from knocking on a try)and I am looking forward to playing them again so we can do a better job of tackling the fat cu...t. Watch Fox Sports World this Sunday to see the match played live!

Missoula's Beterside: A Whole Bunch, Flathead Virus: Zip

The second match of the day was the Betterside versus the Virus at the Maggot pitch. The Virus were no match for the Betterside and the fat cu...uh...Betterside handily beat them.

A lot of fat cu...ts with familiar faces materialized for the moose in the B Game, including Foley, Troop & Bob "you can thank Jerry Ball for that" St. Onge. St. Onge is wearing a very pretty, baby blue helmet these days. I wonder if that's a result of nearly having his ear ripped off in the state semi-final last year...hmmmm? Age and treachery overcame our youthfulness in this one and it was pretty one-sided. However, I think it was a good run for the young boys to see what it's like playing against a bunch of hard fat cu...nts.

I had the pleasure of viewing the B match from the patio of the new club house which is under construction next to the pitch. Check out upcoming issues of the Virtual Maggot News for updates and photos of "It Takes a Whole Emer to Raise a Club House."

GOLDEN HANDS UPDATE: Though it is certainly not a runaway, Colin Bishop has established himself as really the only contestant thus far for the coveted Golden Hands award. I'll keep you posted.

Bozeman scored two trys early to get up 10-0 on us. Before half, Butba, Smoothy and Loch scored trys and Butba converted two of them to put us up 19-10. We played most of the second half in our end but managed to keep it scoreless. Nate's a bully.

The B match was 12-10 at half; the Maggots opened it up in the second half to win 36-10. Rookie Alen scored two trys and almost had a third. Brian Briske kicked two beautiful conversions from the touch line. In the second half, our mid-field backs were Mama, Bradlar & Kaussie. I ran between them at one point and it sounded like a damn emphysema ward at an old folks home. They were sucking so much wind it was hard for any of the rest of us to get any oxygen. Demand on the oxygen supply was reduced late in the game when Kaussie severely sprained his ankle (see graphic slow-motion clips of the severe ankle sprain on Fox Sports World all this week) and Skipper came on for him.

Bozeman hosted an EXCELLENT feed - big steaks, salad and rolls. Plus beer. We rolled into Missoula at about 4:00 am. Where would we be without our Emer?

All-Maggots A-Side: 12, ORSU: 19

All-Maggots B-Side plus Flies: 5, Calgary Rams: 12

All-Maggots A-Side: 37, Edmonton Leprechaun Tigers: 0

Flies: 36 (approximately), Bunch of Freaks from Bald Mountain: diddly-squat!

Commentary: For a complete recap of what goes on at Fest, go to Fest.

A-SIDE QUARTER FINAL
Missoula All-Maggots: 30
Spokane Razorbacks: 3

A-SIDE SEMI FINAL
Missoula All-Maggots: 28
Bozeman Cutthroats: 3

A-SIDE FINAL IN O.T.
Missoula All-Maggots: 20
Billings Bulls: 37

B-SIDE FINAL
Missoula All-Maggots: 16
Billings Bulls: 22

WOMEN'S STATE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Missoula's Betterside: 69
Flathead Virus: 0

A-SIDE FINAL
It was a hell of a final. We came out of the gate hard with very effective defense for the opening minutes of the match. When we got posession we pounded it up with one-offs, picks and center crashes, kept the ball moving forward and the pressure kept us in their half long enough to draw a penalty and go ahead 3-0 with a penalty goal. Most of the rest of the half was also characterized by strong defense and pretty good posession rugby by the Maggots. Mick scored one in the corner after several phases and Loch scored one under the posts after taking a nice pop pass at pace from Smoothy. Billings kicked a penalty and we went to half up 15-3.

Billings came out hard in the second half and scored a penalty goal. Soon after we had a penalty about ten meters out and kicked to touch. We mauled the ensuing line out in for an unconverted tray to push the lead to 20-6. A bit later we had another penalty in the same spot and again kicked to touch. We didn't have enough drive on the line out to score and we failed to produce the ball fast enough. Billings was awarded a scrum from their own five meter line. They spun from the back of the scrum and their fullback took the ball from the centers to breach our defense. Bishop stepped up to tackle him at about the 22, but he managed to get the pass off which was moved on to the wing who scored a converted try under the posts. We played a lot of defense in our own half and managed to move the ball into their half a few times but did not score. Eventually, Billings scored another converted try to tie it at 20 all. Billings carried the momentum into overtime and despite a few nice pieces of play by the Maggots, they outscored us 17-0 in OT.

B-SIDE FINAL
(written by Otto, with editorial comments from Doc)
Billings scored first at about 15min with a run around the left end. Billings scored again at about 25min with a drop goal attempt that went way wide and was scooped up and run in by the other wing (converted). Otto kicked a straight on 30 yd penalty kick (good Otto!). Our enthusiastic rookie Wes stole a ball from their line out tip down and slamed it down in the corner to earn his Zulu (good Wes!). Brian missed the conversion (bad Brian!). A ball popped out of the side of a 10 meter scrum and their shifty scrumhalf beat Otto and touched down (bad Otto!). Otto kicked another short penalty kick (good Otto!). Halftime 17-11. One of their centers ran around one end and touched down in the corner at about 60mins. Maggots answered quickly with a pushover try touched down by Hayler (good Bob!) (Otto missed the conversion-baaad Otto!). Final 22-16. Maggot forwards were pretty equal, or possibly slightly better than Billings (as usual); Billings backs were notably better than ours (unfortunately, also as usual), although both centers were from Helena, and quite good. We played well all around and I was very happy with everyone's efforts!

Though painful, it was a good end to a good season. We made some big strides this year and will continue to move forward. The experience we gained in that match alone has made us all better rugby players. Thanks boys for a good season.